…because you asked
…because it’s you
…because it’s been so long
…because you owe me
…because I’ve wanted to
…because we’d have fun
…because I miss you
But those are all my reasons, not yours.
…because you asked
…because it’s you
…because it’s been so long
…because you owe me
…because I’ve wanted to
…because we’d have fun
…because I miss you
But those are all my reasons, not yours.
Time disappears to some mysterious place that I can’t see. Never meant to go so long (yeah, a whole week and a half) but I’ve been struggling.
Five years would seem like a blip in a whole lifetime if I knew where it was heading. I am tired. I am tired of trying to explain the what and why. I am tired of trying to imagine a life where I enjoy my day-to-day. I am tired of acting like I know what I’m doing and where I’m going.
Two years should seem like a relatively short time and we’re so close but it has drained me. And I am tired. I am tired of the constant setbacks every time we think we’re closing in on the end. I am tired of trying to hold up other people to keep moving forward. I am tired of seeing lots of work and no progress. I am tired of having to think about it all the time.
Eleven months would seem like it’s about time if it weren’t for selfish reasons. So I am tired. I am tired of wondering what people want or need when they phone. I am tired of their sense of urgency when it’s important to them. I am tired of feeling like an after-thought.
Eight months of no work would seem like a god-send if I had money. I am so tired. Tired of editing my resume to make me seem perfect for jobs I don’t want and know I will hate. I am tired of never being able to eat out (not even a patty). I am tired of wondering how long before they cut off my cell phone. I am tired of having to delay every dream and hope I have to some indeterminate date in the future.
Five and a half months of no-words conflict would seem like an intolerable situation if I weren’t right. Yet I am tired. I am tired of people’s petty shit. I am tired of watching the bizarre ups and downs and back and forths without apology. I am tired of feeling like I need a home.
I’m just tired.
Hmm, didn’t even register this week passing by. I spent most of it working on an arrangement for pan. I was trying to complete the basic framework of verse and chorus so as to solicit feedback before getting creative. I sent off what I have so far and as I clicked send, I felt a sense of relief wash over me. Even though there’s still work to do on even that section (not to mention the rest of the arrangement), I felt like I could take a break.
Of course, after a couple of breaths I started to quietly freak out and obsessively watch my inbox to see if any feedback was as yet forthcoming. I realized that having produced this work on my own (note had to be scoring by ear since no music available for it that I could find), it is a little scary to be getting the opinions of others. Part of me is terrified that I have done crap. I even said to one person to “be gentle”. They are a particularly harsh critic and this is one of the few times I have laid myself at their mercy for such feedback (or criticism).
Then earlier tonight when I was giving what I thought was constructive criticism and just trying to help, I was accused of being condescending. So I think I am going to stick to what I know I appreciate and offer advice only when it is requested. For now, I will keep my opinions to myself unless absolutely necessary – an experiment for me but an interesting one.