A quiet house
A vacant space
A restless  mind
A silent yearning
Begging to be filled

The concept of life’s roller coaster is such a cliche but really captures the reality of the human emotional landscape at times. Needless to say, I found myself strapped in and hurtling at full speed on this crazy ride.

The last month has revealed so much to me about life, people, relationships, honesty, friendship, character, sexuality, … I suppose I will eventually write about some of it, even in abstraction (as I am wont to do). For now, just know that I haven’t jumped off yet. I’m hunkering down, seat belt still fastened, clutching onto the safety bar for dear life and staying the course.

If, in the last month, you have

given me a hug when I was needy
held my hand when it was empty
offered kind words when I was down
helped me when I couldn’t manage
looked at me when I felt invisible
found a way to make me smile

you may not have realized how much it meant. You have probably helped me to hold it together by plugging a seemingly miniscule crack (remember that story with the little boy and the leak in the dike?).

Can I say I’m sorry
For the pain that I caused
I never realized who I hurt
It wasn’t my goal
To threaten your peace
I never realized what you lost
I sit where you were
Alone as you must have felt
I just realized what I did

At first there was only silence
My life had just begun
Then you stepped in 
on a roaring wind
You said you were the one

It seemed a bit like magic
From air a symphony sprung
You took my hand
to be my man
And so began our song

You found the rhythm of my soul
The melodies racing through my mind
You took them all, made them your own
You are the music of my life

Originally written November 14, 2008

I shouldn’t have done it,
But now I know
That simple missteps
Cause lies to grow 

A sense of  longing lingers restlessly on my soul

A question I shouldn’t have to ask
But should be allowed to if needs be
Seems I’m not supposed to ask
Even though I need to 

It is amazing to me the power that some people think they possess – that their opinions have the ability to shape all circumstances. They feel that by saying what they think, they can bring it into being.

I’m all for the school of “believe it and you can achieve it”, “build it and they will come” and even some amount of “think it into being” (in measured doses). But, when merely expressing an opinion about a scenario long past, don’t be misguided into thinking that you can change the outcome. What happened has already happened and cannot be changed. Whether you believe the occurence to be true or not is competely irrelevant.

In some cases, the truth may be a simple black or white, true or not. In cases like those, arguing about whether you believe it to be true is a waste of time and energy (especially mine if you try to draw me into it). I may have an opinion but often I will keep it to myself until the truth is revealed. If I was wrong I will say I was wrong, and if I was right, I will resist the ‘I told you so’ urge. But I have enough sense to know that my opinion on some things is my business.

An interesting talent people seem to have is the ability to assume understanding. Repeatedly, I have seen people leap to the defence of someone or a definable group on the sole basis that they think they understand where they’re coming from. Even without specific knowledge of the situation, they feel a kinship, especially if there are some similarities (no matter how tenuous) to circumstances they have experienced.

A father separated from his child wholeheartedly supporting all fathers deserving unlimited access to their child, with no recognition for the fact that because he is a good father does not mean that all men are. A employee unjustly terminated feeling that all employers are sent from hell to torture employees with no consideration of the existence of employees who are dishonest, unproductive or generally disruptive. A woman who has been heartbroken one time too many feeling that all men deserve to be manipulated and walked over. These people will watch a scenario from outside and assume that because they experienced a particular circumstance, their experiences hold true in every other scenario.

One of the lessons we must learn in life is how to remove judgement without knowledge. It is unfair to make generalisations because every situation will have some unique characteristics. If you don’t know the details of a situation, your opinion is irrelevant. People make their decisions based on their own truth, which we must recognize may be different to ours.

A slow intake
Refreshing the spirit 
You flow through
My very soul
Deeply absorbed
My body renewed
Exhaling softly
Again.