…because you asked
…because it’s you
…because it’s been so long
…because you owe me
…because I’ve wanted to
…because we’d have fun
…because I miss you
But those are all my reasons, not yours.
Tired
1 Sep 2010
Time disappears to some mysterious place that I can’t see. Never meant to go so long (yeah, a whole week and a half) but I’ve been struggling.
Five years would seem like a blip in a whole lifetime if I knew where it was heading. I am tired. I am tired of trying to explain the what and why. I am tired of trying to imagine a life where I enjoy my day-to-day. I am tired of acting like I know what I’m doing and where I’m going.
Two years should seem like a relatively short time and we’re so close but it has drained me. And I am tired. I am tired of the constant setbacks every time we think we’re closing in on the end. I am tired of trying to hold up other people to keep moving forward. I am tired of seeing lots of work and no progress. I am tired of having to think about it all the time.
Eleven months would seem like it’s about time if it weren’t for selfish reasons. So I am tired. I am tired of wondering what people want or need when they phone. I am tired of their sense of urgency when it’s important to them. I am tired of feeling like an after-thought.
Eight months of no work would seem like a god-send if I had money. I am so tired. Tired of editing my resume to make me seem perfect for jobs I don’t want and know I will hate. I am tired of never being able to eat out (not even a patty). I am tired of wondering how long before they cut off my cell phone. I am tired of having to delay every dream and hope I have to some indeterminate date in the future.
Five and a half months of no-words conflict would seem like an intolerable situation if I weren’t right. Yet I am tired. I am tired of people’s petty shit. I am tired of watching the bizarre ups and downs and back and forths without apology. I am tired of feeling like I need a home.
I’m just tired.
Posted in Inside My Madness
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You asked for it
21 Aug 2010
Hmm, didn’t even register this week passing by. I spent most of it working on an arrangement for pan. I was trying to complete the basic framework of verse and chorus so as to solicit feedback before getting creative. I sent off what I have so far and as I clicked send, I felt a sense of relief wash over me. Even though there’s still work to do on even that section (not to mention the rest of the arrangement), I felt like I could take a break.
Of course, after a couple of breaths I started to quietly freak out and obsessively watch my inbox to see if any feedback was as yet forthcoming. I realized that having produced this work on my own (note had to be scoring by ear since no music available for it that I could find), it is a little scary to be getting the opinions of others. Part of me is terrified that I have done crap. I even said to one person to “be gentle”. They are a particularly harsh critic and this is one of the few times I have laid myself at their mercy for such feedback (or criticism).
Then earlier tonight when I was giving what I thought was constructive criticism and just trying to help, I was accused of being condescending. So I think I am going to stick to what I know I appreciate and offer advice only when it is requested. For now, I will keep my opinions to myself unless absolutely necessary – an experiment for me but an interesting one.
Posted in I See People, Inside My Madness, Land of Pan
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