Lonely, I am so lonely…
I am definitely happy with my current life choice. There is no questioning that - I am enjoying my classes so much so that 3 hours passes before I realize it, I don’t mind being in class all day, with all the assignments and projects and reading I am under constant pressure but I am having fun, I am having enthusiastic, spirited discussions about the virtues of various art forms and definitions of culture, actually sounding intelligent (was never able to do that about I.T., I just didn’t care enough). I could continue but I think you get the idea.
But what I have had to do is face a hard truth about myself. Even though in my much younger days I used to be pretty shy (imagine that), my personality has evolved to being reasonably extraverted (I had to see it on paper after a Myers-Briggs assessment to believe it). What this means for me is that something that would have seemed utopic in my younger youth, now is more of a punishment.
Living alone, I find myself delaying going home because of the silence in the apartment. I finally got a radio from my sister so that there would be some sort of communication with the outside world once I get home in the evenings. At the ripe old age of 28, I quite enjoy my own company but it has always been in circumstances where there is someone around if needs be. Now I find myself craving that company, texting people just to keep in touch (hey, this prepaid thing sucks, right - always saving the credit).
In thinking about it yesterday, I drew the parallel to my emotional state where I am perfectly capable of enjoying a single life as I have had to for a while now, but I do miss and crave the companionship you can’t get from your friends. But so it is, so I will continue to try to fill my life with things I enjoy - school (amazing that this heads the list!), friends, pan, reading etc.
Found myself jotting this down in one of my classes yesterday (triggered by something the guest lecturer was saying):
Looking around at this place
I feel a yearning for things past
Hoping for return from this exile
Who sent me here?
Will I be welcomed Home?
The Faces I see, will they be the same?
Searching for a way Home
Through the clouds of nostalgia
The occasional glimpse raises the spirit
When I return to my thoughts
I face a Present to be spent alone
Looking around at this place
