Recently read a post on fears. It contained a pretty long list. I had to admit I shared a few. My list looks more or less like this:

• fear of ending up alone - never getting married, having kids
• fear of dying
• fear of never finding my true purpose in life
• fear of losing my family

That’s all I could think of right now, though I am sure there are a few others lurking about. There are also some typical fears that I have gotten out of as I get older:

• no fear of the unknown - as evidenced by my latest life changes
• no fear of “what people might say” - let’s just look at some of my more “questionable” choices in the romance department

But I have recently moved one fo my fears (one of my biggest fears) out of the category of fear, and into phobia. Where is that line? When does a fear stop being just a fear? Well dictionaries define phobia as :

• A strong fear, dislike, or aversion
• An intense, abnormal, or illogical fear of a specified thing
• A persistent, abnormal, and irrational fear of a specific thing or situation that compels one to avoid it, despite the awareness and reassurance that it is not dangerous
• An exaggerated and often disabling fear usually inexplicable to the subject and having sometimes a logical but usually an illogical or symbolic object, class of objects, or situation
• An anxiety disorder characterized by extreme and irrational fear of simple things or social situations

Now I am not suggesting that I have hit the “anxiety disorder” level. But last night I was forced to acknowledge that this one fear has gone beyond normal levels. It is most definitely intense, exxagerated, irrational, and illogical. Of course, I’ve been ridiculed about it in the past, even looked upon scornfully for being so “silly” (and that was by a supposed-to-be-supportive boyfriend).

As simple as it sounds, this thing has me beat. For some it’s small spaces, others it’s heights. For me, it’s FALLING. Sounds silly, eh? I have no problem with heights themselves - the view from the Empire State Building was amazing - but falling freaks me out. The idea of that sensation sends my muscles into freeze mode.

Last night in my Performance class (decided on that instead of Directing), we were doing that common trust exercise where you have to fall backwards into the arms of your partner. Right!!! The minute he said it, I froze, the tears started rolling down my face. She was probably 6 inches behind me and I could not make myself fall, I kept stepping back. Now anybody that knows me really really well has heard this come up before but even I didn’t realize it was this bad.

So now I have faced facts, that this is more than just a little fear for me. I don’t know where it comes from, I don’t remember any major fall as a child, no traumatic incident linked with falling. So I now begin a journey to discover this part of myself. Wish me luck.