…a replacement best friend. Must be willing to start in an entry-level position, with an eye to promotion in the future.

Job responsibilities:

• provide a shoulder to cry on in times of need
• be a constructive sounding board for all my ideas weird or otherwise
• celebratory sidekick for all the joyous wacky moments

This job description may be changed following agreement by both parties.

Job benefits you will receive:

• loyal friend for life
• health benefits from the amounts of laughter
• psychological benefits from the access to an outlet for your joys and sorrows
• financial benefits from having someone to split a lunch with
• social benefits of having good company on outings of all kinds

Qualifications:

• Life experience beyond school
• An open-mind to facilitate varied discussions
• At least one hobby that doesn’t include eating, sleeping, watching TV or current occupation
• Self-confidence in own abilities
• Be resident in Jamaica or willing to travel
• Access to internet (especially if not in Jamaica)

Open to:

• Males - MUST be single (no girlfriend/boyfriend, fiancee, wife, undefined friend to come hunt me down), homosexuality is optional but preference will be given (in order to avoid the possible sexual tension)
• Female - MUST not be a lesbian (see reason above for homosexual males)
• Imaginary - I am an equal-opportunity friend who does not discriminate on the basis of existence

All applications must be submitted with at least two (2) references.