(Editorial note: I will apologize ahead of time for the length of this post but I needed to get this out. Those of you who are extremely time-pressed may feel free to skip to the last 2 paragraphs.)

Seen a few posts recently on friendship from various aspects: the lack of a need for it (David - Sept. 24, 2005), the selection process (Raisha - Oct. 7, 2005), the development of a new friendship and the questions that follow (Le-Anne - Sept. 14, 2005), the impact friends can have (Rasheeda - Sept. 23, 2005), the power of the simple things (Adrian - Oct. 10, 2005), and the things our friends do (R3D2 - Oct. 12, 2005). All of this just in the last 3 weeks.

It got me to thinking, but I wasn’t gonna post because so much had been said by those above. But then last night something happen that made me want to add my piece. I linked up with someone, a someone who had once been a friend a long time ago. He and I had actually been a lot more than friends for a long time and when we couldn’t do that any more we had difficulty being friends. We are finally at a place in my mind where we can start being friends again, but it’s a slow process, so we are not there yet. Unfortunately, in all of that, I forgot his birthday. He, of course, saw this as a huge affront to our friendship. In my mind, it wasn’t too surprising given the current status of our relationship. I don’t even remember family birthdays unless they’re written down.

But the thoughts that started coming to me surrounded levels of friendship. You always have people around that seem nice enough but it never really goes further than the acquaintance stage, where you know little about each other outside of the specific context of whatever shared activity. Most of us have many of these. Every now and again (for some people it happens a lot more often) 2 acquaintances take it further. They share themselves in a deeper way, with each shared tidbit helping to forge a stronger connection and before they realize it themselves they share a friendship. This process can take days, weeks, months or years depending on the two involved. Numbers of these vary by person. If two people find themselves truly bonding at their innermost levels, the friendship is often sealed for life, and no time or distance can place a wedge between them. Many of us only have a few of these.

The problem comes when someone finds themself in a situation where what would have seemed to be an unchangeable bond changes. When something (usually something other than time or distance) comes between those that nothing could come between. How do you treat a friendship that stops seeming like a friendship? Is is possible to be acquaintances only with someone who knows more about you than most people on this earth? More importantly, how do you move someone back up the chain of friendship when they already know you? And then what about those who wish they didn’t know what they know, who want to move off the friendship list?

My friendship roster has many acquaintances, all of whom are surprised when they get the occasional glimpse into the other sides of me. At this stage in my life I have several people I will call friends, whom I have pulled in voluntarily or not, with whom I share my inner spaces to varying levels. I have only a small number at the highest level , my closest circle, my confidantes who see the darkest most hidden parts of me. This number grows slowly over the years because although time and distance cannot put it aside, they do leave me with a need for closeness so occasionally I will add a new name to this list.

Unfortunately, I do have a few who wouldn’t or couldn’t remain as my friend (never by my own choosing). They cut themselves off from me, relinquishing the ties of friendship. To them I say the door is always open but you do have to start at the front step. Even though you may have once had the keys to the inner sanctums, time does create change and the locks are slightly different. Take the time and our friendship will return as strong as ever.