New strategy for all censored thoughts (and yes, I do self-censor a lot!!). I will use this to vent. I will write down stuff everytime I think something that is “unnecessary”, “disrespectful” or “offensive”. 

So, as per my rules (in previous post), if you said something to me and I did not respond, I probably decided against saying whatever I wanted to, and it will probably show up here. Bear in mind the thoughts will not be half as polite as if I did say them to you. And I will not apologize for any of them. 

First round will be some saved up things I have been dying to say and have been gracious enough to keep to myself:

• Why don’t you just go home if you want to study. You’re taking up space and air.
• Cut the f***ing whispering like you’re a couple of kids.
• I think you look silly with your hair like that.
• Geez, let her pass just once without you having to say something.
• Need a crowbar to pry that batty and bench apart.

If you think I am talking about you, and feel hurt or offended that I even thought such a thing, well, … GET THE F*** OVER IT!!!

If you do think I am talking about you, and have the strength and courage and fortitude to ask me about it (since it seems I am the scariest bitch on earth), then feel free. I welcome the opportunity for open and honest communication with grownups. And trust me, my words have never killed (or even maimed) anyone yet.

Since it seems I am so incredibly complex and incomprehensible, let’s break it down:

When you are blessed with the prophetic vision to see what is obviously the beginning of the end, do you stand at the corner to cry out to all who pass, hoping to warn them, to make them believe you, to persuade them to change their ways, if they would only listen?

Or do you try to shortcut the waiting period and remove yourself from participation?

Or do you plot and scheme of ways to bring about the end before there is more suffering?

Or do you simply hold your tongue, bide your time, and wait for the inevitable?

Or maybe you start to believe that you are paranoid…

I will unpack my mask from its dark hiding place 
And don its pretence of a bright smiling face 

I will dust off my words that claim its ok
Like I’m having the time of my life everyday

I will shake off my blues so I won’t bring you down
And be this person you all want to be around

I will hide all my feelings that I can’t explain
And walk through my life with no sign of pain

I will do all of this though none of its true
Because I’m tired of feeling you hate this me too

In the corridors of my mind,
Memories and daydreams mingling
Creating a wild flurry of light
The burning taste of possession
Coursing through my bones
Shattering my porcelain heart

The hole is dug,
I’m on the slope
Sliding deeper
Everyday

No ladder to climb
No helping hand
No rescuer
On the way

Silence surrounds
Noone to hear
No longer matters
What they say 

Crying alone
In the dark
Brightness, light
A world away

They said it was no big deal

They said it would go away

They said it was probably nothing

They said it was really unlikely

They said the odds were small

They said I’d have no trouble

Should I believe them this time?

Reminiscent
While waiting
Looking behind
At an intruder
Summarily cut
A returnee?
A repeater?
A stranger?
No way to know
Till tomorrow

Touching
Fingers roam
Hands clasped

Breathing
Communal air
Faces pressed

Pressing
Bodies close
Legs entangled

I don’t want you to do the dishes… I want you to WANT to do the dishes.