A quiet house
A vacant space
A restless  mind
A silent yearning
Begging to be filled

The concept of life’s roller coaster is such a cliche but really captures the reality of the human emotional landscape at times. Needless to say, I found myself strapped in and hurtling at full speed on this crazy ride.

The last month has revealed so much to me about life, people, relationships, honesty, friendship, character, sexuality, … I suppose I will eventually write about some of it, even in abstraction (as I am wont to do). For now, just know that I haven’t jumped off yet. I’m hunkering down, seat belt still fastened, clutching onto the safety bar for dear life and staying the course.

If, in the last month, you have

given me a hug when I was needy
held my hand when it was empty
offered kind words when I was down
helped me when I couldn’t manage
looked at me when I felt invisible
found a way to make me smile

you may not have realized how much it meant. You have probably helped me to hold it together by plugging a seemingly miniscule crack (remember that story with the little boy and the leak in the dike?).

At first there was only silence
My life had just begun
Then you stepped in 
on a roaring wind
You said you were the one

It seemed a bit like magic
From air a symphony sprung
You took my hand
to be my man
And so began our song

You found the rhythm of my soul
The melodies racing through my mind
You took them all, made them your own
You are the music of my life

Originally written November 14, 2008

I shouldn’t have done it,
But now I know
That simple missteps
Cause lies to grow 

A sense of  longing lingers restlessly on my soul

A question I shouldn’t have to ask
But should be allowed to if needs be
Seems I’m not supposed to ask
Even though I need to 

It is amazing to me the power that some people think they possess – that their opinions have the ability to shape all circumstances. They feel that by saying what they think, they can bring it into being.

I’m all for the school of “believe it and you can achieve it”, “build it and they will come” and even some amount of “think it into being” (in measured doses). But, when merely expressing an opinion about a scenario long past, don’t be misguided into thinking that you can change the outcome. What happened has already happened and cannot be changed. Whether you believe the occurence to be true or not is competely irrelevant.

In some cases, the truth may be a simple black or white, true or not. In cases like those, arguing about whether you believe it to be true is a waste of time and energy (especially mine if you try to draw me into it). I may have an opinion but often I will keep it to myself until the truth is revealed. If I was wrong I will say I was wrong, and if I was right, I will resist the ‘I told you so’ urge. But I have enough sense to know that my opinion on some things is my business.

A slow intake
Refreshing the spirit 
You flow through
My very soul
Deeply absorbed
My body renewed
Exhaling softly
Again. 

Censorship kills creativity.

I make it a habit to not regret mistakes I make in life. Regret is a waste of time, I think. Rather than regret, I tend to look back to try to understand and learn from things I have done. 

Interestingly enough, there are times when I look back and realize that even with the lessons learnt, if given the chance I would likely make the same mistake again. Usually, this is a result of acknowledging that the reasons for my actions would still be sufficient even with added knowledge.

I had that experience twice in one night this week. Two conversations. Two exes. Two loves that I would not give up for anything. I realized after talking to each of them that the reasons I fell for them in the first place are still valid and, under different circumstances (or similar shall we say), I would likely fall for them just as hard as I did.

It is interesting to think that with all my development efforts and personal growth, I am still enough of the same person that I could love the same people the same way.