Everyone has those relationships in their past that haunt them in various ways. It may be torment, or constant reminiscence, regret, longing etc. I have had a few of those in my life, and tonight I realized something about all of them. I realized what for me is the underlying cause of the ongoing ‘holding on’, and in some cases what was required for me to let go.

Obviously, it’s usually those relationships that feel somehow unresolved that taunt us. The incompleteness is always a major part in the difficulty we have letting go. Had we resolved our issues, accepted, forgiven, whatever was necessary then there would be no need to hold on. That’s obvious, so what was my light bulb moment?

I realized that my holding on tends to take one of two patterns related to the reason the relationship ended. I either (subconsciously, of course) perpetuate the very thing that caused the relationship to end, or I re-enact the flip-side. I can see the confused faces now.

Examples:

• One relationship ended largely because of communication issues. Specifically, there was something we needed to talk about and it was pushed down underneath as some forbidden subject and this basically infected all our communications after that. After our relationship ended, and I mean even way after, I found myself banning certain subjects of conversation. Subconsciously, I realize I was, for a long time, trying to turn it back on him since he had refused me my outlet in the past.
• Another relationship was a little more complex, but a major feature of the end of the relationship was the attempt to make me feel guilty about sacrifices made in the course of the relationship. Unfair, right? Well, it finally hit home to me that in my efforts to exit the relationship, I successfully created a situation where I did in fact feel guilty, thereby perpetuating the negative side of the relationship. So even though I know I was right to get out, I end up holding on.
• Yet another, ended in the most unresolved way possible, where I didn’t even know why at the time. Years of reflection and analysis gave me some insight, and the simplest explanation is he didn’t want me (he wanted someone else). Though we’ve made efforts to repair some semblance of a friendship, it still suffers from the same affliction. I acknowledge to myself that I still want him to want me, and I also acknowledge that he doesn’t really. I continue to perpetuate my relationship woes with him by trying over and over again for some kind of connection.

The solution to all of these? I need to stop the cycle I guess. I need to stop wanting payback, forgive myself for my own mistakes, and just accept things are the way they are. Some of this may sound self-evident but me it was an eye-opener when I realized there were these similarities.

So what now? Good question. but I think that having admitted this to myself, and admitted this to whoever may read this, eventually I will admit this to all the concerned parties and clear the air.

…because it’s you

…because it’s been so long

…because you owe me

…because I’ve wanted to

…because we’d have fun

…because I miss you

But those are all my reasons, not yours.

Five years would seem like a blip in a whole lifetime if I knew where it was heading. I am tired. I am tired of trying to explain the what and why. I am tired of trying to imagine a life where I enjoy my day-to-day. I am tired of acting like I know what I’m doing and where I’m going.

Two years should seem like a relatively short time and we’re so close but it has drained me. And I am tired. I am tired of the constant setbacks every time we think we’re closing in on the end. I am tired of trying to hold up other people to keep moving forward. I am tired of seeing lots of work and no progress. I am tired of having to think about it all the time.

Eleven months would seem like it’s about time if it weren’t for selfish reasons. So I am tired. I am tired of wondering what people want or need when they phone. I am tired of their sense of urgency when it’s important to them. I am tired of feeling like an after-thought.

Eight months of no work would seem like a god-send if I had money. I am so tired. Tired of editing my resume to make me seem perfect for jobs I don’t want and know I will hate. I am tired of never being able to eat out (not even a patty). I am tired of wondering how long before they cut off my cell phone. I am tired of having to delay every dream and hope I have to some indeterminate date in the future.

Five and a half months of no-words conflict would seem like an intolerable situation if I weren’t right. Yet I am tired. I am tired of people’s petty shit. I am tired of watching the bizarre ups and downs and back and forths without apology. I am tired of feeling like I need a home.

I’m just tired.

Of course, after a couple of breaths I started to quietly freak out and obsessively watch my inbox to see if any feedback was as yet forthcoming. I realized that having produced this work on my own (note had to be scoring by ear since no music available for it that  I could find), it is a little scary to be getting the opinions of others. Part of me is terrified that I have done crap. I even said to one person to “be gentle”. They are a particularly harsh critic and this is one of the few times I have laid myself at their mercy for such feedback (or criticism).

Then earlier tonight when I was giving what I thought was constructive criticism and just trying to help, I was accused of being condescending. So I think I am going to stick to what I know I appreciate and offer advice  only when it is requested. For now, I will keep my opinions to myself unless absolutely necessary – an experiment for me but an interesting one.

Sigh.

I kind of like doing it.

I don’t even mind not having it most of the time.

I hate never having it at all.

…late night cable movies can be better than movie theatre magic

…tight bathtub wrap-arounds can be better than hot tub footsie

…mid-week quality time can be better than a week-long vacation

But sometimes, you realize when you get it back just how much you really missed it. One example, is me and my blog. Having stopped blogging accidentally for about 9 months (OMG, I could have had a baby in that time), now that I’m back, I have to be holding back from writing down everything that comes into my head. I’m constantly saying to myself ‘I need to remember to blog that later’ as thoughts fly around in my head.

So it seems that writing is pretty important to me. Who knew?

I just had a conversation with someone about some of the deepest hurts we suffer that continue to affect us throughout our lives. Funnily enough, I came across this article right after that. Entitled ‘My Core Wound’, it takes a look at the writer’s identification of that one thing she calls our ‘core wound’:

Core wounds tend to be things like a sense of not being enough, of being unlovable to a parent, of feeling stupid, dirty, unwanted, or ugly. No matter what your core wound may be, you can guarantee that your wound influences who you are and how you behave. You may heal your wound, yet how it affects you may live on.

She went on to discuss her own core wound, which she described as a feeling of otherness. Her description struck so many chords with me that I heard my internal orchestra launching off into a symphony. Those people closest to me have often heard me describe myself as being on the outskirts of inner circles. I was always close enough to not be an outsider, but never really in the core group. And I can remember this being normal for me since I hit high school. I was too cool to be with the nerds (was accused of being too “speedy” by one nerdy friend’s mom), but almost too nerdy to be with the cool kids (I got pretty good grades though not straight A’s). It continues into adulthood and even found myself remarking on a close group I formed while living abroad for whom I was the core because the other girls wouldn’t even have known each other if not for me.

The ongoing effects of this show up in my fear of being judged. It has taken me years (decades actually) to come to terms with who I am and to not hide from people. I am sure I am still judged by some, but my new approach is to not really include those people in my life. But I have spent a lot of energy seeking out people with whom I feel I can just be myself without being judged.My heaviest burdens still involve those people who have judged me in the past as I can feel myself seeking some approval from them, trying to be ‘good enough’.

But in that same conversation I had, I found myself saying with conviction “I think I’m a good person”. And the truth is I genuinely do. And more importantly, I like myself, a lot. I acknowledge that I am pretty different. But I think I’m different in some great ways. And I will just have to create my own inner circle.

I still hurt like other people but I find a way to learn from and deal with my stuff. I have been accused before of being cold-hearted and “able to switch on and off” while the truth is that I just about never switch off. If I fall, I fall hard and I remain pretty much “fallen”. In most cases, it’s not so much that I switch off. It still hurts when I can’t see or interact with my falling partner. It pains me to think about the past, or worse the imagined (now never-to-be) future.

But I have figured out how to take the good out of these situations. Learn about the ways I enter relationships, the things I do in them and most importantly the feelings I have surrounding them. I have learnt to grow from heartbreak. And I have learnt that heartbreak or not, I will always follow my heart.

Miss you WH.

My procrastinactivity tends to take the form of doing other things. I don’t often just sit around doing nothing. but if I have a project I need to start, it is easy for me to get side-tracked with some of the things I will eventually need to do/know. this lets me pretend I am working on the project without ever actually accomplishing anything.

The internet is my biggest weakness. If I have a project, and it occurs to me that I could build a website for it, I am off like a racehorse. Am I doing stuff? Sure. Is the project getting closer to finished? Not so much. I will spend hours, and then days, looking up potential website designs/themes, plugins and other software I can use, example sites of people doing similar things, information on theoretical approaches to what I’ll be doing, tips and advice on how to make it work…

And then, when I have exhausted my energy on those “preliminaries”, I fizzle out. I look at the project and all the things that I would “need to do” to make it work, and it starts to seem too big, too overwhelming. So I put it down for the next day, week, month…

Of course, all this does is leave me with a list of inactive projects that have been thought out in great detail but with no clue of how or where to start.

So what do I do with my project list?

Start looking into approaches for tackling it of course.