Even though I did
what only a few others could
Even though it worked out
in the end as I knew it would
Even though I was here
with nowhere else to go
Even though it seemed easy
for me to keep giving a show
Even though it was stress
not knowing what would come next
Even though it was pain
putting my wrists to the test
Even though I loved
belonging to all and everywhere
Even though I hated
feeling like part of nowhere
Even though it was tiring
to use up my days off
Even though I reminded
myself that this is what I love
Even though I offered
to turn into a work horse
Even though I was warned
I’d be taken for granted of course
Even though noone thought
to say thanks for giving in my own way
Even though I’m saying it to me
I thought that I’d still say

You’re welcome

Want to really sock it to a procrastinator? Use their tactics against them.

1. Get them to ask you to do something important.
2. Forget to do it.
3. When they remind you, admit you forgot and promise to get it done immediately.
4. Tell them it’s done.
5. When they subsequently point out it’s still not done admit you delegated it to someone else who messed up and promise to get it done immediately.
6. Come up with several reasons why your doing it would not have worked before and remind them you’re doing them a favour.
7. Tell them it’s done.
8. When they still don’t get the desired results, give them the information to check for themselves to see that it’s done.
9. Remind them that it was done.
10. When they ask you to help get the needed results, tell them you have spent enough time on this already and cannot do anything more.

So went my attempt to get an academic reference.

I had a plan. The plan would get me closer to a dream. Unfortunately parts of that plan lay outside my control, and therein lay the failure of the plan.

Now it has come down to it and those with the control have laid aside my plan. So I need a new plan. With a new plan comes a new timetable unless I am prepared to put aside other dreams in order to make the plan work.

So it’s decision time. Do I sacrifice multiple dreams in search of one? Do I throw aside other plans to make this one happen? Do I start from scratch on two paths or just stick to one?

Sigh. If only those with the control believed in the plan. Then all could go as planned.

Truth be told, I want my milk! And I will cry if I want to!

This post at Put Things Off entitled ‘Find Your Love Today‘ outlined a whole strategy for how to find what you love in life. One of the most useful parts was the section on how to figure out if you’ve actually found your calling. This is the part that gets us, we don’t know if we have arrived at our destination yet. So for you confused folks out there:

1. You can’t stop talking about it. People who have found their calling just can’t shut up about it.
2. You love getting up in the morning. When you’ve found your calling, the thought of getting up to start work is often great!
3. You don’t feel as stressed. Being happy in your job can have a dramatic effect on your health and well-being.
4. You can see yourself doing the same thing in 3 years time. This is the real test. If you can imagine that you’re still doing what you’re doing now in another few years and you’re still happy you might have found your true calling.
5. It makes you smile. It’s basic but smiling more can be a sign that you’re settling into something you love.

I always enjoyed writing. As a child, I guess I would write stories, not that I can find evidence of them. Maybe my mother has them locked up with other remnants of my childhood.

One of the challenges for me has been hearing my words read out loud. So much so that I made it a task on my list of 101 things to do – read a poem I wrote out loud. Some of it I suppose stems from an incident in 2nd form when having written what was an extremely emotional piece for me (a search through a forest for a specific tree representing my friend who died over the summer). After reading it out loud in class, my teacher, who I had liked just fine up until that point, dismissed it saying the metaphor was too cliched. I said nothing and sat down. But that was it for me. I refused to read my stuff out loud after that.

The truth is for a long time, anything I wrote remained very private. Then I started blogging and found that knowing that people were reading my words encouraged me to write even more.

Last night I had the unique experience of hearing words that came from my head not just read out loud but put to music and sung. I sat in a studio as music was created around my words, and they came alive, bringing with them emotion to people other than me.

Words are truly a big part of who I am. I love to read them, write them, speak them. They are so powerful and can capture so much emotion and meaning, both good and bad, kind and hurtful. Last night I got to see my words move through music and I was moved. To what? I am not sure.

• A baby’s smile
• An ice-cold soda
• A piece of baklava

a din rises as you speak words tumbling and churning to escape screaming out yearning to hurt words of anger fear and pain seeking to wound in return begging for release aching to aim directly forcefully right at your weakness your flaws the dark corners you try to hide striking out at time’s passage the damage of the years needing to be avenged wanting to be vindicated then     softly     quietly         just below the surface         creeping slowly         as if still afraid         a tiny voice             says

forgive

Hardened now heartened.

Happy Birthday to Bee!!

No, it’s not my birthday. If you read this blog you should know by now that my birthday is usually preceded by countdowns, recaps, wishlists or predictions. But today my blog turns 3!! That’s right, three years ago today I started blogging. Wow! Who would have thunk I would still be at it. No less enthusiastically though perhaps a little less frequently.

Those of you that have stuck around have learnt a lot about me and hopefully alot about life, following me on this journey through life, love and laughter. When I started I wanted to write about the things I learn in life. Along the way I have also covered the things I have learnt about myself.

One of the most frequent themes is that of following your heart. The first of such posts happened a week after I left my job having determined that I.T. was not my calling. Through along process of self-evaluation, aided by friends, family and counsellors, I managed to identify Arts Management as the direction I was facing. I am happy to announce that three years later, we are finally seeing that dream start to happen.

The information has started to become public so I share with you all here: next week Wednesday, I begin work with a local music company. I will be the VP Operations as part of a fresh new management team being put together at this development phase of the company. I am beyond excited. At this point I am also in awe of the universe which managed to throw this opportunity my way days after I put my desires back out there into the universe.

Although I don’t expect my path to be easy, I do anticipate much more enjoyment in my day-to-day life. So stay tuned. The music that is my life has started to develop into something special.

Everybody has had those moments when their gut, instead of their head, made a decision for them. Maybe you met someone and decided instantly you didn’t like them, or you used your intuition to choose a university to attend.

Well, this article from Science Blog sheds a little light on the matter of gut feelings. Apparently researchers at Leeds University say that we should take these hunches seriously. They have discovered that “intuition is the result of the way our brains store, process and retrieve information on a subconscious level and so is a real psychological phenomenon. [...] Intuition is the brain drawing on past experiences and external cues to make a decision – but one that happens so fast the reaction is at a non-conscious level. All we’re aware of is a general feeling that something is right or wrong.”

Of course, don’t go thinking that this means you should always go with your gut. But there is enough evidence to suggest that you might want to consider what it’s telling you, especially if your detailed analysis was leading you in another direction.

My gut tells me this makes sense.